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welcome to my blog , my name is svel. im 16. im pan despite my mood being lesbian, uhm? im transfem

OMG SCHOOL!!! honestly like HOW DO THEY EXPECT meee tooo GET UP SO FREAKING EARLY AND THEN EXPECT meee too REMEMBER ALL OF THAT THE TEACHER SAID yesturday??? i can’ttt…some days school is fun though cuz i get too spendtime with all my favfriends during recess and betweenclasses. OTHER DAYS FEEL LIKE THEY LAST FOREVERGG! but honestly my fave part of school probabbly isn’t even anything IMPORTANT it’s the little bits that happen between classes or at recess just TALKING WITH my friends and giggling about stuff or sharing snacks or chatting abt hw. those littles bits help me get through ALLLLLL those LONGggg school days. and ofcourse there is homework. wayyyy TOO MUCHTTTTTTTTT homework!! always somethinngggggg i gotta do for tomorruwnnnnnn even thougghh im pretty sure i finshed evrythign. exams are another thing entirely. id studied foR hours….until suddenly i FORGET EVERYTHINGGG right when im handed my test paper omggggg!! even tho im sure school can be very STRESSFULLLL, sometimes im sure i’m gunna MISS SCHOOL somedayyyyyyy because of the classrooms cuz ohmglolllll. the teachers… the conversations…even all those boring walksthroughschoolhallwayyyyyyyssss. its crazy how somedays the SMALLEST littlest bits BECOME such MEMORIES!!!! but untill then i will TRY and make the MOST out of the days come thru the harddays….AND NOT fallasleepat school lol. SCHOOL IS SOOOO EXHAUSTINGGGGG.

OMGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!! CRAVING FOR A BOYYYYYY!!!!! honestly craving for this boy is just plain CRAZY because how can ANYONE be THAT energetic ALL the effing time??? seriously??? this boy literally has the energy level of a golden retriever after being told we’re going to the dog park. he’s ALWAYS smiling ALWAYS laughing ALWAYS doing some form of activity AND somehow he ALWAYS manages to get EVERYONE around him laughing too. and unfortunately for ME i personally think that his constant energy is the CUTEST thing ever and i cannot handle myself around him. like he will literally WALK into a room and instantly be talking to EVERYONE making a ridiculous joke being wayyy to loud with his laughing OR getting WAY to excited over something that clearly does NOT require such enthusiasm. and somehow im just sitting there watching him wowww look at this kid go. while he has NO idea whatsoever that im sitting there STARING at him like wtf. the way he interacts with OTHER PEOPLE? OHMYGODDDDDDDD. he’s just SOOOOO friendly. like he remembers little details people have said in the past and randomly brings those up or notices when people are having a rough time and tries his best to cheer them up. he’s literally the type of guy who could make friends with the WALL itself if he were allowed to spend time alone. and somehow his entire “Hey! What ya doin?” attitude just makes him impossible to dislike. BUT when he starts to get EXCITED over whatever its called?? ABSOLUTELY D O N E. like he will start talking wayyy too fast while grinning like mad and using his HANDS all over the place while saying stuff. and while im standing there trying my best not to look like an idiot who is listening intently i am secretly thinking “this is so cute stop”. but whyyyyy does being all excited over anything make me CRAVE for him??? AND ALSO hes SUCH A goofball. like he will literally say the dumbest joke possible and then LAUGHING at his OWN joke BEFORE other people even GET what the hell he was talking about. sometimes i literally cant tell whether hes trying to be amusing or not but either way im LAUGHING. THE MOST HORRIBLE PART about talking to him, however, HAS TO BE when he talks TO ME!! O.o like seriously… all of his confidence vanishes into thin air, leaving me COMPLETELY speechless and unable to have a conversation!! he will simply say “hi” and i’ll literally freak out inside, desperately attempting to answer back NORMALLY! then later on i’ll find myself mentally replaying what we said AND GOING CRAZY about WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT?!! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HOW I LAUGHED OR LOOKED AT HIM!? NOW HE PROBABLY THINKS I’M A NUTJOB WHENEVER he smiles at me, HOWEVER…. OH MY GAWD…. that little smile of his has WAYYYYYY TOO MUCH POWER. literally, if i’m having THE WORST DAY EVER… and then HE SMILES at me? all of the sudden EVERYTHING IS FINEEEEEEEE!! it really IS pathetic how much one tiny smile from him can affect me WITHOUT EVEN TRYING!! also? YUP… my FRIENDS know about THIS TOO. of course they do… every single time that he walks by? they look at me and break out into huge smiles since it seems that i’m NOT as covert as i think i am. and then they’ll say “he’s here” and i’ll be all “SHUT UP!!” since now i have to try and NOT LOOK at him, while wanting to at the same time!! sometimes, i cant help but wonder if he even realizes that i pay attention to him at all. i mean, does he remember things we talked about? does he EVER have those moments where hes sitting there thinking about a memory we made together or something funny that happened between us? does he think its cute that i make these huge deals out of the littlest things he says? but seriously… thats part of why i love him soooo much. he is JUST WHO HE IS without ANYTHING else added into it. he isnt someone whos trying to make everyone else happy all the time. hell shout and act crazy and he is just such an incredible friend all around. his energy just makes everything better. so yeah… i guess falling for a seventeen year old golden retriever in human form isnt EXACTLY the calmest thing in the world. its awkward and embarrassing and utterly CONFUSING because WHY AM I THIS INTO HIM?!?! BUT THEN HE DOES SOMETHING CRAZY OR LAUGHS ABOUT THE MOST STUPID THING AND… well, i might just be done for.

UGH i dont want to write about this at all but WHATEVERRRRR MY FAMILY IS SO EXHAUSTING I CANT TAKE ITT!! like WHY is it always turning into some sort of ARGUMENT with EVERY SINGLE thing?! like HOW did that one comment turn into EVERYBODY being annoyed at EACH OTHER?! and now somehow ITSSS ALL MYYYY FAULT it literally feels like im walking on eggssssssss whenever im around my family members.family dinnerrrrssssss are one of the worsttt times because its not like we all just eat dinner together. someones ALWAYS going to complain about something. someones ALWAYS going to start yelling at everybody. someones ALWAYS gonna ask me all those questions i dont want to answer so when i try to be quiet, THEN someones LIK whyyyys yourss soooooo quiiiitee” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? MAYBE BECAUSE IM NOT WANTING TO BE YELLED AT FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE!?!?! sometimes all id rather do is just lock myself away in my room and listen to my favorite musicc while playing Stardew Valley without ANYBODY bugging meeeeeeee xD im SURE im supposed to appreciate my family or somethiing but seriously whos kidding who. its hard enough trying to BE grateful to people who only make me FEEL awful every single time i see them. they say something and try to act like it DIDNT EVEN HAPPEN. they yell and scream at me and EXPECT me to move on from that shit FIVE MINUTES LATER. WHILE IM STILL UPSET WITH THEM!! when IM upset about anything, ITS ALWAYS because i must be being DRAMATIC or whatevaaa i DONT think i'm drammaaaatic. i think i'm JUST TIRED and cant take it anymorerrr x_x i wish that SOMEONES WOULD listen to me without IMMEDIATELY getting maddddd or calling me out. because i just wish that SOMEONES MIGHT actuallly LISTEN TO ME when i explain whats making me upset instead of making me FEAR whatll happen if i even OPEN MY MOUTH sometimes i wonder how different everything might actually BECOME if i WAS just totally different myself. quieter. nicer. LESS annoying. BUT THEN i THINK about it and NOOO because WTF do i need to completely CHAGE MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY in order for OTHER PEOPLE to feel bette?!?!?? well anyway im doneeeeee here because im starting to rant time for some musicccccccc and escaping from realityyyyyyy :).